Monthly Archives: May 2008

Dying well

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At the moment i’ve all four of my grandparents still living. Very soon there’ll be one less. Grandpa is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer about 6 weeks ago and given 4-6 weeks. I’ve been back quite a few times over the last month or so to say goodbye, but this time was almost certainly the last.

Even sitting is now weary and a quarter cup of tea has become too heavy to hold, his weariness is acute. Inspite of the separation which we will grieve, it is beautiful, Grandpa is dying well. God has been so merciful and gentle. He is at peace and in very little pain. Death holds no fear leaving him and Grandma are able to enjoy his final days.

He will soon be free, free from physical blindness, free from his mind which has become increasingly prone to forgetfulness, free from the weariness. With heaven awaiting this is not a moment to despair nor dread. After 27 years in the dark, what a moment it will be, when his gaze meets his Maker’s beaming smile as he’s welcomed by name into the eternal Kingdom.

I am the fruit of his faithfulness to the Lord and I thank God for Him. He has run his race boldy and is finishing well. His life is worthy of celebrating. My earnest prayer is that God provide me the grace to do the same.

I know death seems to carry a striking poignancy regardless of how prepared one is. I wonder how i’ll feel afterwards.

A few months ago:

Grandpa napping on the sofa

With Zander, while he could still walk:

Grandpa while he could still walk

The last day that I saw him:

Grandpa sitting on his bed

Jimmy vs A roaring lion: Round 1

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This morning I felt seriously very crap and didn’t want to go to work. Next weeks small group discussion is spiritual warfare, if this is meant to be prep, fair enough but it sucks.

I lied yesterday, I spoke too much (Proverbs 10:19), I gossiped, I interrupted, I was proud, I was rude, I made jokes at others expense, not to mention the assortment of sinful hideousness which ran riot through my mind. A fairly typical day. It may not have been obvious to others, but was to me.

The condemnation is incessant, so intense. The devil has my head in his jaws and is thrashing me around like a rag doll, resistance seems pointless, he is right after all, i messed up, i always mess up. His knowledge of me is bettered only by God. He knows my insecurities, my vulnerabilities and weaknesses and tailors his assault accordingly. There are no laws in this conflict, he doesn’t play clean. His tactics are designed for maximum effect. He has no sympathy for my feelings and will show no mercy. His obsession is to extinguish the name and glory of God and he’ll start by looking to tear down and nullify the likeness of Jesus being built into my life through the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit.

He attacks the essence of who I am, the creature Gods crafted, my God-given personality and God-given gifts, everything. Doubting my usefulness to everyone, it makes me want to hide. I look at myself and am rightfully ashamed.

Sinning goes against everything that I desire to be as a man of God, fact, and it hurts. However, on closer inspection, this isn’t the thing that hurts the most. Sadly, what hurts more is the prospect of my sin being exposed, and for those around me to see my true fallen state and foolishness. Somethings wrong with that and once again misplaced shame exposes an idol, one that goes way back, my fearing of man over God and elevating reputation for my own glorification.

ok, so the devil threw the most punches in round 1. He condemned me, floored me, starved me of hope and for a time succeeded in keeping my eyes focussed on my sin. However with some truth brought alive by the Holy Spirit we’re about to kick his ass!